Sunday, November 18, 2012

Wishin I wasn't so terrible at keeping friends.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

I always come up with the most half-vindictive half-hilarious ways to get revenge, but my too-nice mindset won't let me. I want to show up at his house in tears, while his new "not really hot OR cute" girl is there, and pull him aside (but not so far aside she can't hear) and tell him, "Hey, so, I'm pregnant with your kid; I remember everything you told me though, less than three weeks ago, mind you... You know, how you loved me, and you would wait for me, and you didn't want anyone else; and I want to let you know that I am ready to take this step with you." AHHH IN YOUR FACE! I'm so funny. cx

Sunday, November 11, 2012


THAT exact moment. That's what I want to remember. If I had the power to freeze time and make feelings last forever, I would have done it right then and there. My heart was so full.


It's a good thing we have things like birthday cakes and presents to remind us how old we are, or I would still think I'm 12 years old.


So I get scared and choke my dream of a picture-perfect family and accept a newer, easier, & more tragic fate of a forever single cat lady.


His world was spinning & he reminded her that he usually starts saying things he regrets around 1am & she gently reminded him, it's usually closer to 3 or 4 but with alcohol in his bloodstream it could be earlier, so he should probably get some sleep.


I knew I didn't have much of a social life anymore but I didn't realise it had escalated to the point of my perfect day including nobody but me & John Wesley Harding (whom I'll probbaly call Wezwee).


Then I laid in bed thinking about my puny life and woke up feeling like someone strapped me to a stainless steel counter and force-fed me black liquorice through a syringe. The world is extremely lacking in colour today.


I wish you'd love me back so we can do cute things like hold hands and leave each other notes in special hiding places & raid grocery stores & make ourselves bowls of cereal in the middle of the night and then go eat them in a fort we made that smells of attic and that's constructed of old refrigerator boxes.


Today was better, though. Today was actually so good.


& YOU. Don't you ever tell you me love me ever again. Ever.


My mind keeps revolving around this idea of the "false self," this "imposter," a mask we put up for the world to see while we let no one know our true selves... Where do we draw the line between who we are and who we want to prove ourselves to be?


See, this is why I find journaling to still be so relevant to my life in the world if blogs and tweets and Facebook statuses (stati?)...


I'm having one of those days. Those days where I have a trillion thoughts bouncing 'round in my head, but I don't want to take the time or effort to have to explain them or even try to understand them.


Regardless, I'm still in a good mood. Good enough to use different colors again when I write.


Why did I just do that? To remind myself of the youthful, sweet hopefulness that is now just a distant memory? As "inspiration" to get my effing head on straight again? Out of embarrassment that I once actually thought it was possible to think and live that way? Well. Welcome to the real world.


I don't want to look back on my life in 30 years and see that I passed up an opportunity to feel truly alive.


Proclaiming loudly the name of Him whom I do not know is dangerous territory, methinks.


I always have loved looking back on old times I've had with fun people, and seeing how my perspective on life switches as I mature.


I got totally rid of my MySpace today, ah! I don't know what to do with myself.


You know life must suck hard when the current highlight of it is when the hottie of AI makes it through to top 12.




Like seriously, I see him and I get butterflies and my heart pretty much explodes.


It already cost me 4 hours, a bruise on my neck and $160.

Saturday, November 10, 2012


But it's kinda like a "nanna nanna boo boo I am who I am and you need to leave me alone and stop trying to mold me into who you want me to be."


I have no way to explain how I'm really feeling right now. I guess there's a little bit of everything. I'm shocked, upset, sad,..... I don't know.


So then Aspen's freaking out because she thinks Mom & Dad are, like, gonna kill Gus & starts bawling then Aidan starts it, too & then I'm trying to calm them both down, all the while wondering what in the world were they gonna do w/ Gus & peroxide...


And, he said (notice this is in quotes) "very nice" eyes & "an amazing voice."


I've been reading, but I've been reading for an interminable amount of time and now I'M BORED OUT OF MY SKULL!!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Literally all I want to do is sleep. I want to close my eyes and forget everything because too much of it reminds me of you. Canadian accents and Michael Buble and Michigan and this shirt, and that place, and sometimes I roll over on my right side and half-expect, half-hope to see your face. At the same time, though, I refuse to let myself forget because those memories are all I have left.