"There is no one righteous, not even one;
there is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.
All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.
Their throats are open graves;
their tongues practice deceit.
The poison of vipers is on their lips.
Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness...
and the way of peace they do not know."
I can't believe it's already the last month of what has undoubtedly been the most insane year of my life. I have learned more about myself and humans in general in the past 12 months than I have in my previous 17 years of existence.
I feel like I had been living in a safehouse since birth and someone decided to drop me off on some alien planet, neglecting to let me know beforehand.
I've been exposed to more ideas, more philosophies, more lifestyles, more hurt, than I thought possible.
It has been quite a ride.
Out of everything I've learned over the past several months, one of the things that I know without a shadow of a doubt to be true is this:
I've never felt more worthless than I have since I starting doubting that the God of the universe cares about me.
And it's led to more compromise, regret, and feelings of loss than I like to think about.
I've been living a year full of meaningless efforts to reach the top of a pile of people living hollow, shallow existences, just like me.
Even though nothing I've attempted has brought me true fulfillment, I'm busting my butt trying to do it anyway.
As the saying goes, I'm using money I don't have to buy things I don't need to impress people I don't like.
(Maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I hope you can see where I'm coming from.)
I don't know how this realization hit me, but I'm so glad it finally did.
And now, the reason I started this curious thing of ripping out my heart and laying it on the ground for curious onlookers to observe,
I owe every single person I know an apology.
To all of my old friends: Words cannot express how grateful I am for you. Thank you for caring enough about me to actually ask how I am and mean it. Thank you for dealing with the consequences of asking me those three words, and sitting with me for countless hours while I sometimes burst into my fits of hysterical laughter and while I sometimes just sat in lost silence. I'm sorry for dragging you through the muck with me while I've been trying to figure myself out. I can never tell you how much you mean to me, and I am here for each one of you.
To all of my new friends: I'm sorry you've had to meet me in my current state XD I have met so many of you over the past several months who have impacted my life in such a big way. Thank you for opening up my eyes to life and letting me into your crazy beautiful ones.
To him who shall remained unnamed: I'm sorry for usnig you as a means of trying to find acceptance. For trying to change your mind, for trying to show you that I was different. For simply furthering your belief that girls are trophies for you to win over and do with what you like. I'm sorry for everything I've missed out on while trying so hard for you. And I'm sorry for giving you the satisfaction of an apology. (Ahaha, ironic...) I know you'll probably never read this, and if you do, you'll most likely just roll your eyes and move on with your life, but I'm okay with that.
To all of my brothers and sisters in Christ: I'm so sorry for the way I've represented us. I always say the things that bother me most about the church are the hypocrites it produces. Well, man, I am one such product. I'm sorry for letting you down time and time again. Thank you for your prayers. They've probably done more for me than I will ever know.
To my siblings: I'm sorry I haven't been there. The gymnastics meets, the taekwondo tournaments, the moments we could have been together that would simply let you know I am here for you and actually care. I love the three of you more than you know, and I completely understand the fact that you don't know is 100% my doing. I don't know what I would do without you guys, and Aidan, I promise that when you leave on week-long road trips in the future, you'll notice I'm not there (;
To my parents: I think I owe you the biggest apology. You, the ones who are supposed to be closest to me, I have completely taken for granted. I can't imagine the pain and burden I'd be feeling if my own decided to stray from the core values I'd brought her up with. I'm sorry for the disrespect, the rebelliousness, for every time I took a piece of advice with a rolling eye and a sigh. I'm doing my best to understand that everything you do for me really is for me, and I love you both so much. Thank you thank you thank you for everything you've been in my life, and I can't imagine how screwed up I'd be if you weren't my mom and dad.
In closing, I'd like to say that I really hope you guys don't mind my horribly brutal and sappy honesty. I wanted to get it all out there the best I could, and I won't be forgetting any of this any time soon.
... I'm awful at finishing these things.
Um, thank you for your time.
I still don't know who I am, but I know that this isn't cutting it.
And one more thing: If you're reading this, no matter who you are, you can know without a shadow of a doubt that I love you.