Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY!

"There is no one righteous, not even one;
there is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.
All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.
Their throats are open graves;
their tongues practice deceit.
The poison of vipers is on their lips.
Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness...
and the way of peace they do not know."

(Romans 3)

I can't believe it's already the last month of what has undoubtedly been the most insane year of my life. I have learned more about myself and humans in general in the past 12 months than I have in my previous 17 years of existence.
I feel like I had been living in a safehouse since birth and someone decided to drop me off on some alien planet, neglecting to let me know beforehand.
I've been exposed to more ideas, more philosophies, more lifestyles, more hurt, than I thought possible.
It has been quite a ride.

Out of everything I've learned over the past several months, one of the things that I know without a shadow of a doubt to be true is this:
I've never felt more worthless than I have since I starting doubting that the God of the universe cares about me.
And it's led to more compromise, regret, and feelings of loss than I like to think about.

I've been living a year full of meaningless efforts to reach the top of a pile of people living hollow, shallow existences, just like me.
Even though nothing I've attempted has brought me true fulfillment, I'm busting my butt trying to do it anyway.
As the saying goes, I'm using money I don't have to buy things I don't need to impress people I don't like.
(Maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I hope you can see where I'm coming from.)

I don't know how this realization hit me, but I'm so glad it finally did.

And now, the reason I started this curious thing of ripping out my heart and laying it on the ground for curious onlookers to observe,
I owe every single person I know an apology.

To all of my old friends: Words cannot express how grateful I am for you. Thank you for caring enough about me to actually ask how I am and mean it. Thank you for dealing with the consequences of asking me those three words, and sitting with me for countless hours while I sometimes burst into my fits of hysterical laughter and while I sometimes just sat in lost silence. I'm sorry for dragging you through the muck with me while I've been trying to figure myself out. I can never tell you how much you mean to me, and I am here for each one of you.

To all of my new friends: I'm sorry you've had to meet me in my current state XD I have met so many of you over the past several months who have impacted my life in such a big way. Thank you for opening up my eyes to life and letting me into your crazy beautiful ones.

To him who shall remained unnamed: I'm sorry for usnig you as a means of trying to find acceptance. For trying to change your mind, for trying to show you that I was different. For simply furthering your belief that girls are trophies for you to win over and do with what you like. I'm sorry for everything I've missed out on while trying so hard for you. And I'm sorry for giving you the satisfaction of an apology. (Ahaha, ironic...) I know you'll probably never read this, and if you do, you'll most likely just roll your eyes and move on with your life, but I'm okay with that.

To all of my brothers and sisters in Christ: I'm so sorry for the way I've represented us. I always say the things that bother me most about the church are the hypocrites it produces. Well, man, I am one such product. I'm sorry for letting you down time and time again. Thank you for your prayers. They've probably done more for me than I will ever know.

To my siblings: I'm sorry I haven't been there. The gymnastics meets, the taekwondo tournaments, the moments we could have been together that would simply let you know I am here for you and actually care. I love the three of you more than you know, and I completely understand the fact that you don't know is 100% my doing. I don't know what I would do without you guys, and Aidan, I promise that when you leave on week-long road trips in the future, you'll notice I'm not there (;

To my parents: I think I owe you the biggest apology. You, the ones who are supposed to be closest to me, I have completely taken for granted. I can't imagine the pain and burden I'd be feeling if my own decided to stray from the core values I'd brought her up with. I'm sorry for the disrespect, the rebelliousness, for every time I took a piece of advice with a rolling eye and a sigh. I'm doing my best to understand that everything you do for me really is for me, and I love you both so much. Thank you thank you thank you for everything you've been in my life, and I can't imagine how screwed up I'd be if you weren't my mom and dad.


In closing, I'd like to say that I really hope you guys don't mind my horribly brutal and sappy honesty. I wanted to get it all out there the best I could, and I won't be forgetting any of this any time soon.


... I'm awful at finishing these things.
Um, thank you for your time.

c:

I still don't know who I am, but I know that this isn't cutting it.

And one more thing: If you're reading this, no matter who you are, you can know without a shadow of a doubt that I love you.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I Wrote a Story Last Night.

This morning, if you want to get all technical.
It was supposed to be a little allegory, maybe one or two paragraphs... I wasn't sure.
But either way, I went to post it on my blog, and just started writing.
What was supposed to be a quick, two-paragraph writing endeavor turned into an hour and 825 words.
I decided I would replace that story with this post, and work on the story elsewhere. Because I think I may be on to something, and it feels pretty cool.
I wanted to let you know.
I don't know what it is yet, but it makes me happy.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

BLOGGING AGAIN.

I read a quote from Tallulah Bankhead the other day that says,
"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
It made me laugh.

I get my life back in 9 days.
I've loved being in Godspell again. I definitely wouldn't trade it for the world.
But I'm starving for social interaction again.
Social interaction that doesn't have to be scheduled ahead of time.

I feel like such a grown-up lately.
I'm driving a lot.
School to work to rehearsal to home to sleep to school.
And thus, we have come full circle.

Sometimes, I get to see friends and watch movies and play video games and it's good stuff.
But I usually end up falling asleep. Heh.

I think I'm going to start a new (side) blog and post every day, telling the world what I learned that day.
See if that whole "You learn something new every day" adage is actually true XD


I think that's enough word vomit for now.
And here I thought I would have nothing to say.

G'night, world!

Monday, April 5, 2010

I Think That...

... The day I'm on time to school
(Or maybe 5 minutes early, shock and awe...)
will be the one day class is canceled.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

He is Risen.

He is Risen, indeed!

What a glorious day this is.
I don't see how anyone could go through this day without having their heart burst out of their chest out of pure joy, utter amazement, and gratitude.

To come to the following realizations:

1) People, God's most prized creation, had the selfish audacity to think of ourselves as knowing what's best; and messed up the world - our haven, created lovingly and beautifully and specifically for us by our Creator - pretty badly as a result.

2) Because of our sin, to be with God was physically impossible. Our sin and His holiness were absolutely incapable of coexisting.

3) A holy, righteous, pure, all-powerful God would send His son,
a literal piece of Himself,
to this earth, to save our sinful and selfish selves, all because
He wanted to be with us.

4) Jesus, fully God, and yet fully man, spent 33 years walking amongst us.
Perfect. Blameless. Full of love.
And was then willing to
- Face betrayal by two of His best friends.
- Endure so much angony in prayer that He literally sweated drops of blood.
- Submit to the cruel words and demands of both the Roman government and the Jewish people.
- Bear 39 lashes given to Him by a Roman guard, holding a whip laced with pieces of iron, broken bone, and hooks.
- Carry His own cross through the streets of Jerusalem, the sound of screams and insults piercing His ears.
- Have the weight of every single person's sin come rushing down on His shoulders.
- Suffer the most agonizing death one can imagine - death on His cross.

5) It didn't end with that.
After three days, the King of Kings, Redeemer, Savior of the world defeated death and sin once and for all, by raising from the grave.

6) That same man is now up in heaven, preparing a place for me to come join Him and His Father, to live forever and ever.

Now, that's what I call a love story!

I am undeserving. I am sinful.
He is holy and worthy of all praise.
And yet, He loves me with everything in Him.
What a wonderful God I serve
:)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Growing up.

"Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again."

"... Never is an awfully long time."


There's something magical and enticing about the idea of never growing up. Never changing. Always constant.
Unofrtunately, we don't live in Never Never Land.
I believe the only
constant
aspect of the humanity's present state is the fact that it is
constantly changing.
New discoveries are being made every day.
Doctors discovering new diseases, and then discovering how to cure them.
Music and movies. In constant motion.
Two words - Steve Wozniak.

All of these things are all fine and good.
But

I think we sometimes forget the gift that was childhood.
To know that who we are is not defined by what we accomplish.
To rest assured in the fact that we are loved for just who we are. No masks.
The faith to believe in things like fairies and runaway shadows.

I want that faith. I want my eyes to shimmer the way a five-year-old's do when he hears the story of Jesus feeding over 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.
I want to be in a constant state of wonder at the absolute beauty of the world around me.
I want to know who I am in God and the abilites that He's given me.
I want to be loved and love unconditionally.

Let's go to Never Never Land :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

God is SO Good. End of Story.

Exactly one week ago, I was in a car crash.
Hit the guardrail on I-25 going 70 miles per hour.
Seatbelt didn't lock,
airbag didn't deploy til I hit my head on the steering wheel
(So helpful, those airbags...).

And miraculously, the only damage I've obtained is a sicknastyawesome black eye,
some scrapes on my face,
and a minor concussion that should be gone within 2 weeks.

Only that.
When I could have easily died.

That brings me to 2 conclusions:
1) I don't thank God enough for every day I'm alive. Every heartbeat. Every moment that I'm able to cherish.
2) I obviously have some work here on the earth to accomplish still. God isn't done with me yet.

And I think that is a wonderful honor. I don't take it lightly.

So, whenever you're thinking your life sucks, or just isn't fair,
just remember that you're alive for a purpose. And that purpose is to glorify your Savior with every breath, and love others the way He has loved us.
I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Misconcpetion.

Valentine's Day was Sunday.
It makes me wonder,
Why do so many people hate Valentine's Day so much?
Sure, they may be bitter they don't have a significant other.

But that's NOT what love is.
1 Corinthians 13. That's what love really is.
It's not about the chocolates and the flowers and...
Whatever else goes on on Valentine's Day.

I think Valentine's Day should be one of everyone's favorite days.
How awesome would it be if just one day out of the year,
we could live 1 Corinthians 13? Genuinely?
The world could be such an amazing place.

That's what I think.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Dream.

I was laying in a hospital bed.
I needed a new heart.
Everywhere I looked, doctors were reaching for me.
Wanting to look. Wanting to help.
I fought them with everything I had.
"They don't know how damaged my heart really is."
It's better to have them here, now, trying to see, but finding nothing,
(At least I know they're trying)
than to let them in and see all they have to fix.
Then to have them leave me;
decide I'm not worth it.



I can't exactly put my finger down on the moment
I starting becoming
who I see when I look in the mirror now,
but I know I regret that moment with all of my heart.

To quote the wise Marie Digby:
"My soul, it's dying to be freed,
you see... I can't live the rest of my life so guarded.
It's dying to be free; it's up to me to choose..."

I choose to break down these walls.
I'll let someone see the real me.
No more masks.
No more hiding.
No more lying.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Little Things.

Today, I noticed a lot of little things that make me happy.
The way kids say "I wanna hold you" when really, they're asking you to pick them up.
Surprising my friend by visiting her at work, and receiving an extra-large Mountain Dew in the process.
That the car's blinker in front of me was the same as mine for 12 blinks
(I bet I could've worded that sentence so much better...).
That may be a record.

With all the stuff life has been throwing at me lately,
I have taken zip amount of time to sit back and think about all the things I've been blessed with.
All I can focus on is the change. The hurt. The disappointment.
Those are some of my least favorite things.

But I've decided that God's bigger than all of that.
And when I focus on His goodness, and the life He's given me, and the love He showers on me even though I don't even come close to derserving it,
I can see clearly.
His consistency.
His grace.
His unfailing, passionate pursuit of me.

And that's more than enough to make me happy.

The Dealio.

I've wanted to start a blog for quite some time now.
I've heard "It's the thing to do."
So I figured, why not?
So, bear with me and my emotion vomit for now.
We'll see if I stick with this.

(;